Total compatibility is not a requirement

A Big Think interview with John and Julie Gottman on what keeps a relationship going over the long run. My notes:

Love is a choice you keep making

• Loving someone is easy when they are warm, affectionate and on time. The choice shows up when they are grumpy, make mistakes, or come home late without telling you.
• This is different from falling in love. The early, starry stage is limerence, and it is mostly chemistry. Choosing love comes later and looks very different.
• Their example: you face a whole day cleaning the garage with a partner who will complain throughout. You can dwell on what they will do wrong, or notice that they are helping even though they hate it.
• Nobody is perfect, so the real question is whether you can love someone who isn’t.

Friendship is the foundation

• Love is a start, but more is required. Friendship is the necessary part. A romantic spark is nice to have and not required.
• They cite research that almost 70% of dating couples started out as friends.
• What they mean by friendship:
  • Love maps: really getting to know the person, and letting them know you.
  • Fondness and admiration: respect and affection for each other.
  • Treating the relationship as something special.

What a strong couple looks like

• They laugh at each other’s jokes.
• There are small touches, like a hand on the knee.
• They don’t override or humiliate each other in public, and they listen when the other is talking.
• Above all they stay interested in each other, even during conflict: “Tell me more”, “Help me understand that”. The listener is like a tourist in the other person’s mind, open and curious.

Affection comes before sex

• People underestimate everyday, non-sexual touch: holding hands, an arm around the shoulder, a hug.
• There is no normal amount of sex. What matters is what both people are comfortable with, which may take compromise.
• Emotional safety and trust matter a great deal, especially for women.
• Couples whose sex lives stay alive are the ones who keep up affection and respect. A study of 70,000 people in 24 countries found the same. What set apart people with a great sex life:
  • saying “I love you” every day and meaning it
  • kissing for no reason
  • cuddling
  • a weekly date and romantic trips together
  • being affectionate in public
• Nothing on that list is about technique in the bedroom.
• If you are struggling to feel close, the person to talk to is your partner. Say that you feel distant and that you want to be close again.

Two myths

• You have to love yourself first. They say this is wrong. Almost nobody fully loves themselves, we all keep growing, and a loving relationship can help you love yourself more. Don’t wait until you are healed.
• You have to be completely compatible. Same interests, same background, same appetite for adventure: none of it is needed. No two people are ever fully compatible, and differences enrich a relationship. The reader shares what they read, and the adventurer comes back with stories.
• The exception is a clash of values with no possible compromise, such as one person wanting a child and the other not. They say cases like that are rare.

Don’t get cynical

• John Gottman’s mother used to say, “Every pot has a lid.”
• He went on 60 dates before meeting Julie. She was number 61.
• After decades of working with couples, what still surprises them is how resilient relationships are. Couples have come in after many affairs, done the work, and found love again.

What stood out to me

Compatibility gets far less weight here than I expected. The Gottmans treat differences as something that adds to a relationship, and save their concern for the few values where no compromise exists.